SAT寫(xiě)作是很多學(xué)生的弱點(diǎn)，在語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用、語(yǔ)句結(jié)構(gòu)、段落組織上都很欠缺，多數(shù)學(xué)生的文章只是平鋪直敘，沒(méi)有感染力，論點(diǎn)和論據(jù)之間有時(shí)顯得很牽強(qiáng)，這和平時(shí)的練習(xí)以及積累有很大的關(guān)系，今天我們就來(lái)看一位學(xué)生的文章，寫(xiě)作老師給出了修改和點(diǎn)評(píng)，都是大部分學(xué)生容易犯的錯(cuò)誤，希望學(xué)習(xí)以后能夠?qū)Υ蠹姨岣邔?xiě)作有所幫助。

　　Both Sides of an Issue

　　Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

　　In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.

　　- Walter Cronkite

　　Assignment: Do you agree with Walter Cronkite that its necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations).

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　許多學(xué)生過(guò)多地使用了therefore和thus. 這樣的詞是用來(lái)得出結(jié)論的。很多人只看有利的一面而忽視不利的一面這句話中用而或者并且連接兩個(gè)分句，而不可以使用 therefore, thus, as a result 等表達(dá)。這樣導(dǎo)致問(wèn)題這兩個(gè)方面的邏輯關(guān)系混亂，其實(shí)并不是因?yàn)槿藗冎豢从欣娑鴮?dǎo)致忽視不利一面這個(gè)結(jié)果。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.. So we did, half a year ago. 分頁(yè)標(biāo)題#e#

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　文章這個(gè)例子的敘述過(guò)于細(xì)節(jié)化，顯得有些瑣碎，這也導(dǎo)致這個(gè)例子用了三段來(lái)敘述，占了大量的篇幅和寫(xiě)作時(shí)間，使得作者可能無(wú)法再寫(xiě)個(gè)例子。另外，這段中的句式也缺少變化，例如大部分句子都是We再加上一個(gè)謂語(yǔ)這樣的結(jié)構(gòu)。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　Before we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing, the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Before we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　這段第一句提到在我們做決定之前確實(shí)調(diào)查了搬遷后可能面臨的困難，這與第一段的論點(diǎn)出現(xiàn)了一些抵觸。第一段說(shuō)作者是想用自己親身的這個(gè)例子說(shuō)明做決定不應(yīng)該忽視消極的一面，而這里作者又說(shuō)并未忽視呀!這使得這個(gè)例子不那么有說(shuō)服力了。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster. In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough. The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　這個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的故事其實(shí)用一段話就全部寫(xiě)完了，不用分成三段。它作為一篇文章中幾個(gè)例子中的一個(gè)是可以的，但是如果作為唯一的例子，難以全面深刻地探討作文的題目。從而導(dǎo)致讀者感覺(jué)文章的論證不充分，那么論點(diǎn)也就不堪一擊了。

　　其次，這段作者說(shuō)從農(nóng)村搬到城市后覺(jué)得城市disaster的原因是空氣污染和晚上睡不好覺(jué)。把空氣污染作為理由是可以接受的，但說(shuō)城市喧囂每天晚上睡不好覺(jué)也有點(diǎn)牽強(qiáng)，除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜總會(huì)，否則應(yīng)該沒(méi)那么嚴(yán)重。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　Every coin has two sides. We only noticed the positive side but lost the negative side, so we did not conclude the truth. The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. Now we are considering to moving back to the rural area, but this time, we will make a complete study before we carry it out.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　We only focused on the positive side and not the negative so our conclusion was not accurate. The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. We are now considering to move back to the village but this time we will do a thorough investigation before making our decision.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　與前面的習(xí)作一樣，最后一段簡(jiǎn)單重復(fù)第一段的意思，甚至do a thorough investigation 這樣的用詞也是從第一段照抄到最后一段，這樣寫(xiě)結(jié)尾段的方法是絕對(duì)應(yīng)該避免的。

　　習(xí)作總評(píng)

　　全文只用一個(gè)故事來(lái)支持自己的觀點(diǎn)，故事講的是自己家里住在農(nóng)村，要到城市里去上學(xué)，每天很辛苦，大量的時(shí)間都浪費(fèi)在了路上，于是考慮搬到城市里去住，因?yàn)榭紤]不周，后來(lái)發(fā)現(xiàn)住在城市里更不劃算，原因是城市污染嚴(yán)重，每天吸入大量的汽車(chē)尾氣，而且城市太喧囂，晚上睡不好，最后得出結(jié)論，做任何事情都要從兩方面來(lái)考慮問(wèn)題。這個(gè)故事當(dāng)然也支持了作者的觀點(diǎn)，但是有點(diǎn)牽強(qiáng)。首先故事講得并不精彩，缺少亮點(diǎn)，不能吸引人們的注意力。總之，這個(gè)故事有點(diǎn)牽強(qiáng)。

　　其實(shí)的確像文中所講，任何事情都有兩面，無(wú)論住在農(nóng)村還是住在城市都有各自的優(yōu)、缺點(diǎn)。比如說(shuō)住在城市除了空氣污染之外，還有物價(jià)高，租房貴，不安全，太擁擠等很多缺點(diǎn)，作者寫(xiě)什么理由都可以，文中把城市喧囂晚上睡不好覺(jué)作為理由也勉強(qiáng)說(shuō)得過(guò)去，但是能說(shuō)一個(gè)更合理的理由效果會(huì)更好。

　　這篇文章在論證方面需要改進(jìn)，首先應(yīng)該至少再舉出一個(gè)能夠說(shuō)明自己論點(diǎn)的例子，甚至于把這個(gè)例子也換掉。這也說(shuō)明作者在平時(shí)復(fù)習(xí)的時(shí)候沒(méi)有注意積累能夠說(shuō)明問(wèn)題的例子。另外，在行文上應(yīng)該避免平鋪直敘，像記流水賬一樣。

　　SAT寫(xiě)作是很多學(xué)生的弱點(diǎn)，在語(yǔ)言運(yùn)用、語(yǔ)句結(jié)構(gòu)、段落組織上都很欠缺，多數(shù)學(xué)生的文章只是平鋪直敘，沒(méi)有感染力，論點(diǎn)和論據(jù)之間有時(shí)顯得很牽強(qiáng)，這和平時(shí)的練習(xí)以及積累有很大的關(guān)系，今天我們就來(lái)看一位學(xué)生的文章，寫(xiě)作老師給出了修改和點(diǎn)評(píng)，都是大部分學(xué)生容易犯的錯(cuò)誤，希望學(xué)習(xí)以后能夠?qū)Υ蠹姨岣邔?xiě)作有所幫助。

　　Both Sides of an Issue

　　Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and assignment below.

　　In seeking truth you have to get both sides of a story.

　　- Walter Cronkite

　　Assignment: Do you agree with Walter Cronkite that its necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the truth? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experiences, or observations).

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　People often focus mostly on the advantageous side when they make a decision. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Most often when people make a decision they focus on the advantages. Thus they often neglect the other side of the decision, which may lead to an unpleasant end. My family was also not able to avoid this kind of regrettable experience. From that failure, we should see both sides of an issue.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　許多學(xué)生過(guò)多地使用了therefore和thus. 這樣的詞是用來(lái)得出結(jié)論的。很多人只看有利的一面而忽視不利的一面這句話中用而或者并且連接兩個(gè)分句，而不可以使用 therefore, thus, as a result 等表達(dá)。這樣導(dǎo)致問(wèn)題這兩個(gè)方面的邏輯關(guān)系混亂，其實(shí)并不是因?yàn)槿藗冎豢从欣娑鴮?dǎo)致忽視不利一面這個(gè)結(jié)果。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents went to urban to work and I to study. It was a long distance, so we had to spend an average of 3.5 hours in our car everyday. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Moreover, we could not watch TV together, but be together in the car, feeling sleepy. Of course, we were unwilling to accept the situation and we thought of moving to the urban area to save our time and to live a more convenient life. So we did, half a year ago.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　My family used to live in a village, but my parents moved to the city to work and I to study. It was a long distance to travel to the city every day with an average of 3.5 hours spent in our car. We had to get up early to set out and return home late at night. Unlike other families that watch TV or have other fun together, we spent hours in a car, which was boring and even painful. Of course, this situation was unacceptable to us so we thought of moving to the city to save time and make our lives more convenient.. So we did, half a year ago. 分頁(yè)標(biāo)題#e#

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　文章這個(gè)例子的敘述過(guò)于細(xì)節(jié)化，顯得有些瑣碎，這也導(dǎo)致這個(gè)例子用了三段來(lái)敘述，占了大量的篇幅和寫(xiě)作時(shí)間，使得作者可能無(wú)法再寫(xiě)個(gè)例子。另外，這段中的句式也缺少變化，例如大部分句子都是We再加上一個(gè)謂語(yǔ)這樣的結(jié)構(gòu)。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　Before we made up our minds, we did investigated what trouble we would face. We were optimist to conclude that there was only one thing, the higher cost of living, which we could set aside by less using the car. We also predicted that we could gain profits such as a lot of time we used to spend on highways, convenient life, etc.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　Before we made up our minds, we investigated what troubles we may face. We were optimistic that the only obstacle was the higher cost of living which we could offset by using the car less. We also concluded we would gain a lot in terms of less time spent on the road, more convenient lifestyle, etc.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　這段第一句提到在我們做決定之前確實(shí)調(diào)查了搬遷后可能面臨的困難，這與第一段的論點(diǎn)出現(xiàn)了一些抵觸。第一段說(shuō)作者是想用自己親身的這個(gè)例子說(shuō)明做決定不應(yīng)該忽視消極的一面，而這里作者又說(shuō)并未忽視呀!這使得這個(gè)例子不那么有說(shuō)服力了。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　However we estimated the conclusion with too much confidence, and it was proved that moving to the city was a disaster. There is too much tail gas released from automobiles, which made us cough. The nights are so bright and noisy that we cannot sleep well. Thus, although we get more sleep time, we are even sleepier at study or work.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　However, we were overconfident and the move to the city proved a disaster. In the city there is a lot of gas exhaust from cars, which made us cough. The nights were so bright and noisy that we could not sleep well. Thus, although we had more time to sleep at night, we were even more tired.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　這個(gè)簡(jiǎn)單的故事其實(shí)用一段話就全部寫(xiě)完了，不用分成三段。它作為一篇文章中幾個(gè)例子中的一個(gè)是可以的，但是如果作為唯一的例子，難以全面深刻地探討作文的題目。從而導(dǎo)致讀者感覺(jué)文章的論證不充分，那么論點(diǎn)也就不堪一擊了。

　　其次，這段作者說(shuō)從農(nóng)村搬到城市后覺(jué)得城市disaster的原因是空氣污染和晚上睡不好覺(jué)。把空氣污染作為理由是可以接受的，但說(shuō)城市喧囂每天晚上睡不好覺(jué)也有點(diǎn)牽強(qiáng)，除非作者是住在酒吧里或睡在夜總會(huì)，否則應(yīng)該沒(méi)那么嚴(yán)重。

　　學(xué)生習(xí)作

　　Every coin has two sides. We only noticed the positive side but lost the negative side, so we did not conclude the truth. The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. Now we are considering to moving back to the rural area, but this time, we will make a complete study before we carry it out.

　　語(yǔ)言修改

　　We only focused on the positive side and not the negative so our conclusion was not accurate. The wrong decision was a lesson from which we learned that it is necessary to see both sides of an issue in order to discover the new truth. We are now considering to move back to the village but this time we will do a thorough investigation before making our decision.

　　本段評(píng)點(diǎn)

　　與前面的習(xí)作一樣，最后一段簡(jiǎn)單重復(fù)第一段的意思，甚至do a thorough investigation 這樣的用詞也是從第一段照抄到最后一段，這樣寫(xiě)結(jié)尾段的方法是絕對(duì)應(yīng)該避免的。

　　習(xí)作總評(píng)

　　全文只用一個(gè)故事來(lái)支持自己的觀點(diǎn)，故事講的是自己家里住在農(nóng)村，要到城市里去上學(xué)，每天很辛苦，大量的時(shí)間都浪費(fèi)在了路上，于是考慮搬到城市里去住，因?yàn)榭紤]不周，后來(lái)發(fā)現(xiàn)住在城市里更不劃算，原因是城市污染嚴(yán)重，每天吸入大量的汽車(chē)尾氣，而且城市太喧囂，晚上睡不好，最后得出結(jié)論，做任何事情都要從兩方面來(lái)考慮問(wèn)題。這個(gè)故事當(dāng)然也支持了作者的觀點(diǎn)，但是有點(diǎn)牽強(qiáng)。首先故事講得并不精彩，缺少亮點(diǎn)，不能吸引人們的注意力。總之，這個(gè)故事有點(diǎn)牽強(qiáng)。

　　其實(shí)的確像文中所講，任何事情都有兩面，無(wú)論住在農(nóng)村還是住在城市都有各自的優(yōu)、缺點(diǎn)。比如說(shuō)住在城市除了空氣污染之外，還有物價(jià)高，租房貴，不安全，太擁擠等很多缺點(diǎn)，作者寫(xiě)什么理由都可以，文中把城市喧囂晚上睡不好覺(jué)作為理由也勉強(qiáng)說(shuō)得過(guò)去，但是能說(shuō)一個(gè)更合理的理由效果會(huì)更好。

　　這篇文章在論證方面需要改進(jìn)，首先應(yīng)該至少再舉出一個(gè)能夠說(shuō)明自己論點(diǎn)的例子，甚至于把這個(gè)例子也換掉。這也說(shuō)明作者在平時(shí)復(fù)習(xí)的時(shí)候沒(méi)有注意積累能夠說(shuō)明問(wèn)題的例子。另外，在行文上應(yīng)該避免平鋪直敘，像記流水賬一樣。